Betrayed and I never even knew

16 Aug

origninally published 10/7/10

I can’t seem to tear my mind away from the scene in my head, you know the
one, it repeats over and over as if chanting to me, calling to me, taunting me,
“ha, ha, ha, you’re a loser”  In my head, there they are lying on the floor,
kissing, touching, feeling.  Her hands grasp at his back, his hand runs down the
length of her leg raising it up as if he savoring every touch, every lingering
kiss.  They tear at each others clothes frantically trying to rid themselves of
the barrier keeping them from fulfilling this most intimate of acts and then
there it is the moment of truth, will they stop this foolishness and consider
what this one moment could mean or do they throw caution to the wind and sub
come to this passion that rages inside like a wild fire threatening to over take
them.
In my head its like I am Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, I am
in the room with them, watching, hearing, feeling every beat of my heart as it
cracks slowly but they are oblivious to my presence, what they are focused on is
much more important than anything else in that moment.  I hear the panting, the
soft moans of pleasure that creep from deep hidden crevices.  I know that touch,
I know it well and now she does too.
I wish in that moment to be inside their
brains, to know the thought process, to feel whatever it is that has led them
down this destructive path, one from which there is no return.  Things have
forever changed and nothing could ever be the same again, no matter how hard
anyone tried.  I want to know how this happened, what I had done to make this
the only way; surely I have done something, said something, thought something
that has made me deserve this betrayal, this slap in the face, this sucker punch
to my heart.  People just don’t act like this without a reason….right?
I
wake up from the nightmare in my head and lay there in the comfort of my warm
bed as the tears begin to fall and I want to tell myself that it was all just a
dream and that nothing had happend, but I know the truth now and I wonder to
myself if I am all the better for knowing it or if I would have been better to
live the rest of my life in ignorance.  I can’t seem to pull myself away from
this place of pain and abandonment that has left me shattered, numb and
confused.

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