Does Adultry Just Happen?

16 Aug

orig. published 11/9/10

What makes someone cheat?
Something that I have wondered about for a very
long time, something that I have, in the past, and yes, even some now, blamed
myself for.  Was it something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do
that maybe I should have?  I still don’t know that any of the infidelities that
I have lived through weren’t entirely my fault as I must have contributed in
some small way to my partner cheating on me, but I still don’t know, what makes
someone cheat.
To me it is so simple, I love someone and I just couldn’t even
fathom doing anything to intentionally hurt them.  I used to believe that it
just happened, that you could be wrapped up in the moment and just forget, sort
of like the temporary insanity plea in a murder trial, when someone says that
they just saw red and the next thing they knew they were standing there with a
bloody knife in their hand.  I don’t believe that anymore, I guess maybe that
was my way of justifying the mistake made by someone that I loved, someone that
I wanted to be with, as a means of allowing myself to stay even though I knew
the truth deep down in my soul.
Tonight, in East Texas, there will be a story
on the evening news about how sites like Facebook and Myspace make cheating all
that much more alluring and accessible, but is that really so or does one have
to already be inclined toward looking in the first place?  I know that I have
reconnected with a couple of old flames via social networking sites and yet,
here I sit, a prime example that, if you don’t want to cheat, if you are
committed to making a relationship work then you won’t cheat.
No body cheats
because they just forget that they are in a relationship, this may come as a
shocker to most, but yes, I have cheated, only once in my life and believe me, I
was fully aware of what I was doing from the moment it started to the moment it
ended.  My justification was that, my significant other was already cheating on
me to being with and we were on the verge of breaking up anyways when I was
visiting with a friend/old lover and things happened, but the entire time I knew
what I was doing and I knew that it was wrong, that it made me no better of a
person than my cheating boyfriend.
So, you are on Facebook one day and you
run into that unrequited love from high school and you start talking, nothing
wrong with that, when it becomes wrong is when you get to that point that you
are hiding things from your partner, things that you know they would not like,
you justify it by saying that you are sparing your partners feelings but in
reality, you would be doing them so much more by just not letting it get to that
point.
People in happy, communicating, healthy relationships don’t cheat
because, plain and simple, their needs are being fulfilled at home, they have no
need to go out looking for what they are not getting at home.  But this only
works if you communicate your needs with your partner, if you just keep them
festering under the surface then you are setting yourself up for disaster and
you will be too far down the road before you even know it.
I was upset by the
ad I heard on the radio for the report tonight on the news, the soundbites,
which they probably played out of context to draw a larger audience, was
comprised of mostly women who were devastated that their spouse/SO had cheated
on them with someone they met on a social networking site.  Yes, even I have
been the victim of an infidelity via social networking but I didn’t blame the
site for his cheating, there were sites long before Facebook or Myspace came
along that enabled cheating spouses an outlet for their frustrations.  I placed
the blame right where it belonged, square on the shoulders of my fiance who, if
the truth be known, was already inclined to cheat in the first place, if it
hadn’t been with her it would have and was with someone else.
No one cheats
because they just forget, they were blinded by passion, we cheat because we
either have an unfulfilled need or are just naturally inclined to do so.  I
don’t necessarily believe in the theory of once a cheater always a cheater, but
as a general rule folks, if they cheated on you once, more than likely they will
cheat on you again.
Do I still blame myself for my failed relationships,
yeah, to some degree I probably always will.  There will always be a part of me
that wonders why I wasn’t enough, what I could have or should have done
differently, its the make up of who I am to wonder these things, but I know that
somewhere out there there is someone for everyone and I just have to be patient
until I am sure of who it is and I will never have to worry about that
again.

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2 Responses to “Does Adultry Just Happen?”

  1. jamiesdreams@yahoo.com October 9, 2011 at 9:59 am #

    I am a mother. I am a professional. I am an educated woman in my 30s. I am also an escort. Before becoming an ASP (adult service provider) I too shared in the naive belief that “happy people” don’t cheat. After several years in this industry, however, I can tell you that 95% of the men who pay me hundreds of dollars per hour, are “happily” married men. The sad truth is that one woman is not enough for the average man and the sooner women realize that it is not in her power to be his everything – the sooner we can stop beating ourselves up or “taking blame” for his infedilities. It is not our fault. It was not your fault. Men cheat – even happy men.

    • thegirlintheblackflipflops October 11, 2011 at 1:33 am #

      That is such a cop out! I know that you will never be able to rid the world of adultry b/c its never going to happen. With that said, men cheat b/c we ALLOW them to, we no longer expect them to be the men they were 30 or 50 or 80 or 100 years ago. They are no longer expected to treat women with respect and love and the sad thing is that we let them get away with it.
      If a man truly respects the woman that he is with then he respect her enough not to cheat on her. While I would love to know what the reasons were why anyone cheated on me in my past and yes, there will always be that period of time in any woman’s life where she wonders what she did to cause him to cheat (or rather what she didn’t do) we generally come around to know that we didn’t do anything wrong. Men will cheat b/c they are allowed to do so and only when we stop settling for that kind of bs will it end.

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