I Have Come Full Circle

16 Aug

Originally published 8/20/10

This morning I woke up to possibly the scariest moment of my life so far.  I
could hear mom talking in her room so I went in to check on her and found her
laying down half out of the bed, very disoriented.  I asked her what was wrong
and she says she is trying to sit up so I help her up to the side of the bed and
she looks like she is trying to push herself up with her arms but she has no
strength in her arms and is having sharp muscle ticks, it looked like a seizure
which had me very scared.  I managed to yell loud enough to wake up my brother
who was up for the weekend since she had just gotten out of the hospital the day
before and he came in and tried to talk to her but she really was not making
much sense.  She refused to lay back down saying that it made her dizzy and that
she would pass out.
I managed to get down the hall to turn up her oxygen and
turn the air down some since she said she was hot and managed to get her into a
chair in her bedroom hoping that would help.  I gave her some root beer to drink
and she lost a mouthful of it, I am not sure if that was a muscle spasm or not,
she had taken the bottom plate of her dentures out at some point in the night
but I don’t think that she had moved from the bed since she got in it the night
before.  I was up and down most of the night and she was asleep the whole
time.
She did almost fall once when we stood her up and her legs gave out on
her but we did manage to get her down to her chair in the dining room but it
took both of us to do it, she was coherent enough to know that I was late for
work at this point once she heard the time, so that was a good sign, she knew
she was late taking some of her meds and knew to look for the list that they
gave her from the hospital yesterday that listed the meds they wanted her to
take and that she was late taking some of her meds so I was reasurred by that,
it seemed like some of the disorientation was going away, I know that she was
tired, wiped out really and she had not been sleeping really well before going
into the hospital and we did take her out to eat last night on her portable
oxygen tank but I got to thinking about it that before they released her from
the hospital the nurse took her for a walk using one of the mini tanks set to
pulse, so it would only release oxygen when she took a breath in, but then they
switched the tank to a larger one that was on continuous release b/c it appeared
that she was not getting enough oxygen off the small one, so I think maybe she
deprived herself of some oxygen last night by using the smaller tank on pulse on
top of just being exhausted.
Had my brother not been there at the time I
don’t know that I would have been able to handle everything, I am a strong
person but I can only lift so much, especially when its dead weight almost, I
never thought that it would get to the point that I would ever have to consider
getting help for her but I can’t watch her 24/7 .  Last night I was looking up
info on emphesyma and it just scared me, I realized that like it or not I needed
to prepare myself for the inevitable, she is not going to get any better and
probably only worse from here and I dont know what to do or how to handle that
knowledge, but I know that the sooner that I accept this fact the better off we
will both be really.  Like it or not, her time is coming and I need to be ready
for that.

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