To All the Men I’ve Loved Before

16 Aug

I read a blog last night about forgiveness and how the lack thereof can
affect future relationships and it left me with an afterthought, have I really
forgiven the guys that have hurt me in the past?  I know for the most part that
I never really got to tell most of them how they made me feel, I suspect that at
the time I didn’t even realize that they made me feel these ways but as time
passed I think that I have carried the pain and resentment and fear with me into
new relationships and I fear that if I don’t let it go it will continue to
sabotage my future.  So, it is here that I will get my closure and the peace
that I need to move
on.
­­­­­­­__________________________________________________________________________________
I
forgive you for all the mean and terrible things that you have ever said to me,
I forgive you for all the names that you ever called me, I forgive you for
taking away my safety and trust in myself, I forgive you for all the physical
pain that I endured at your hands, the bruises, the cuts, the blood, I forgive
you for violating me and making me feel worthless and desperate enough to stay
with you while you continued to call me names and violate me in unspeakable
ways.
I forgive you for your unfaithfulness, your lack of respect for me and
my needs, your inconsideration, your demands and your overall attitude toward
me.  I forgive you for seeing me as a servant to you and your needs.
I never
got to tell you all the things that I wanted to, either out of fear or distance
and so I am taking this chance to do so now, I hate that you made me doubt
myself, I hate that you made me feel worthless, I hate that I was so desperate
enough that I tried to kill myself to get away from you, I hate that I believed
all of your lies, especially the ones that led me to want to die.  I hate that I
allowed you to have control over me and my opinion of myself, that I stayed with
you no matter what you did to me, that I covered for you, defended you to my
friends and family.  I hate that I allowed you to alienate me from the people I
loved, my strength for the sake of allowing you to keep me weak.
You have
affected every relationship I have ever had since you, you have made me doubt my
ability to love and be loved, my desirability and my ability to choose someone
who will treat me right but I will not allow you to continue haunting me into my
future, I never did anything to you but love you and care for you but you tore
me apart at every chance you had.
I am a wonderful person, loving and caring
and I deserve happiness and love, I deserve to be respected and cherished, cared
for and protected, I don’t believe your lies anymore.  There is someone out
there who wants me and is looking for me and when that time is right we will
meet, you are not the best thing that ever happened to me and I will find
someone better than you.  You can’t hurt me anymore.
I forgive myself for
carrying this for so long, for allowing it to affect me for so long, I forgive
myself for everything.
Don’t think that just because I have forgiven you
means that I have forgotten what you did to me, far from it, I will always
remember so that I know what to look for to keep myself from getting hurt
again.  I don’t wish your harm, if I did that would make me just as bad as you,
I want you to find happiness and love and understanding, I want you to be happy
and have everything that you have ever wanted.
Today is the first day of the
rest of my life, everything from the past is left there, I give it all up to God
for Him to do with what he sees fit and I am faithful and trusting that He will
lead me to where I need to be so that when that day comes and I finally do meet
the one, I will know it and I will have peace in my heart.

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