What Did I Do

16 Aug

Originally published 10/12/10

The thought just occurred to me that I may not be ready for love or a
relationship, they maybe I am too messed up from all the years of pain to deal
with it.  I have been seriously dating for 14 yrs now and in that time I have
had a series of dysfunctional relationships that were all destined for
heartbreak.  I have to wonder now, after all of this time, why it is that though
I am over those past loves and don’t seem to be over the trauma that was done to
my heart.
Cheated on, beaten, raped, made to feel like I am worthless and for
such a long time I believed those lies, the ones that told me that I would never
find anyone that would treat me any better than who I was with at the time, so I
stayed and put up with it and when it was over I was devastated and immediately
jumped into another bad relationship.  Not all of them were as bad as the
others, some didn’t come with the violence, some only came with the
infidelities, some I could tell realy wanted to love me but just didnt’ have it
in their ability at the time to do so.
But, after all of this the one
question that lays on my mind and seems to haunt me the most is what I am doing
to bring this on myself.  I must be doing something, I have been told so many
times that I am such a sweet girl, that I am such a loving person but if I am
such a sweet girl then why is it that I am always on this path to destruction it
seems.  I realize that I am going after the wrong guys, that much is clear, but
what is not so clear is where the good guys are.  I mean, I have a 50/50 chance
of finding a good guy or a loser and for some reason over the last 14 years, the
odds have not been in my favor.  What I am doing or saying that makes me such a
target for the abuse, why is it that in a crowded room the only guy who
approaches me is the one guy that will hurt me?
So, here I am, this battered
bird trying to fly but I just can’t seem to get off the ground.  By now I am
afraid that I am unable to be open enough for a relationship, that I won’t be
able to love again because now my fear is so great that I push even decent
people away.  I gave up looking for love, I gave it all over the God and said
here you go, what I have been doing isn’t working so well, so I give it to you
and I stopped worrying about it, I moved on and it was probably the longest time
that I had been single since I started seriously dating at eighteen.  I stopped
looking and one day, boom, there he was, I was completely oblivious that he was
even checking me out, I was just out having fun with my friend and there he
was.  I was so completely oblivious that I would have walked out the door that
night and never even said a word to him (damn terrible incurable shyness) if not
for my best friend.  By the time I realized that it was not going to work I was
too far gone to take the step backwards and start over again, I was determined
to make it work even though I knew that it never would.  He hurt me worst that
any other man had ever hurt me before, I’m unsure why though because there was
no intentional physical violence, but psychologically, he damaged me worse than
I ever thought possible.
He apologized to me later, admitted what he had done
was wrong, not in an attempt to win me back but because I think he knew he
needed to in order to heal himself and that knowledge, that small shred of
dignity that was given back to me it helped for a while, but here I am again.  I
can’t say that I am unable to get past what has been done to me in the past, I
think that I am past it for the most part, at least the really old
relationships, the newer ones still have a sting to them.  I say that I am
afraid to trust openly and maybe I am afraid to trust but who could blame me.

I still want to know what it is that I am doing wrong.  I am happy with
myself, I reached a point in my life long ago that I realized that superficial
things didn’t really matter, sure I would like to lose some weight, not because
I think it would make me more attractive but because I think it would improve my
health.  I am me, I dress and act the way that pleases me, the way that I am
comfortable, I am not a girly girl, never have been and I probably never will
be, but what I am is a loving, nurturing woman who is devoted and supportive.
What I will no longer be, however, is a bank, or a motel, or a place to run when
when you need your needs met because in the end my needs don’t get met and I am
left to clean up the mess.  I am strong and independent, I am opinionated and
while I am shy and quiet most of the time I am not afraid to share those
opinions when the time is right.  I love my family, my God and my country and I
am not afraid to fight for the things I love.  I don’t run around, I am not a
floozy and I am not a tramp, I can be moody and temperamental sometimes but this
doesn’t mean that I am angry or antisocial, it just means that sometimes I need
a little more love than others.
With all that said, I remain on this path in
an attempt to find out what it is that attracts me to heartbreak and failure
because I know that until I find out the answer to this question I will be
forever in limbo and unable to fully love anyone the way that they deserve to be
loved.

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