You don’t need to bother

16 Aug

orig. published 2/15/11

So you want to “make right all the things (you) did in your past life”

Why should I give you the satisfaction?  Its not going to help me any, it
won’t make my pain or confusion any less so what’s in it for me?  Why do you get
absolution for all that you did when I am still stuck here waiting for my
answer?

We have played this song and dance before, we’ve tip toed around the subject
and in drunken fits of anger I have unloaded on you but still I don’t think you
get it, I don’t think you understand.  This has been my challenge, to make you
understand, once I thought that I could, now i know that it would never give me
what I need.

The words are hollow now, they have no meaning anymore so how do I find out
what I need?  How do I make this stop?  How do I find what I need to know?  How
do I make this stop?  How do I absolve myself? How do I make this stop?  How
many times I heard what you “said” without saying a word, how many times I heard
your insinuations and accusations that all tore at my soul, made me realize that
I would never be enough.  Was I ever enough?

Why wasn’t I enough?

The thing is, I’ve tried to put this all behind me, I’ve tried to move on,
I’ve tried to heal and accept all that is inevitable but you come back every
time, haunting my thoughts… my reality.  What do I have to do?  How can I ever
heal if you never leave me?

So, here we are, back where we always are.  We repeat this song and dance the
steps, and still the song it never changes.  How I want it to change, how many
nights I have dreamt of a new song but still the song is always the same.  If
only I could just….

I don’t want to be nice anymore, Its exhausting to keep up the charade, its
exhausting pretending all is ok when its not.  I could give into my fear, I
could accept that it will never be ok again, accept that this is where I am,
forever frozen in place, forever frozen in fear…paralyzed and scared.  I don’t
want to accept it, but you have sealed my fate.

The thing that I hate you for the most is stealing my trust from me.  I’ve
not found where you hid it at….maybe I never will.

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