You’ll never know if you can fly till you try

16 Aug

orig. published 2/28/11

What is it that makes us stay with the wrong people?  Are we blinded to the
fact that they are wrong for us or is our fear of being alone so strong that we
will do almost anything to avoid being by ourselves, even if it means making
ourselves miserable.

I have always been a self professed St. Jude, always falling for the worst
possible people, staying in the most sadistic of relationships (and I use that
term loosely) and fighting till the bitter end (and then some) and looking back
I would love to tell you that I know why I continually put myself into these
situations and that I have the solution, but really I am no further now than I
ever really have been.

Matt had been a fixture in my life for the last 5 years in many
capacities…friend, lover, enemy, my future and my past all rolled into one.  How
many times had I wanted to quit him and never could find the strength to just
put it all behind me.  4 months is the longest that we have ever gone without
talking or seeing each other, just as I would manage to scale the top of Mt.
Matt and be able to see the hope on the other side he would find another way to
make me lose my grip and go tumbling back down to the bottom.

So very much of my life has been wasted on this disastrous period of my life
when all I really wanted was to be happy.  This time something changed, this
time my description of happy changed.  Instead of my happiness being tied to
someone else its now tied to me.  This time when he came back I was able to
fight it and much to my astonishment it was much easier than I had ever
imagined.  The only thing that changed between then and now was ME!  No longer
was I the girl of my past I had become the woman of my future and I realized
that while I may not have everything I wanted out of my life right this moment,
I had everything that I needed and that my life wasn’t over yet so all those
good things are headed my way I just have to be patient enough to wait for
them.

Good things come to those who wait, I believe it now.  Now, I am not saying
that it’s a walk in the park every day, there are days that I long for that
missing piece so much that I am moved to tears but at the end of the day what
becomes of my life is ultimately up to me; I can choose to wallow in my little
pity party or I can choose to get up and make the best of my life.  After all
its our choices that make us who we are.  The Bible says “He who does not work,
does not eat” and the same is true in other areas of our lives.  I can choose to
sit around and wait for love to find me or I can actively seek it out, if I
don’t look for it then I don’t get it.  But, like so many lessons, love has to
start at home (or yourself as the case my be).  I never loved myself enough to
stay away from Matt, thus allowing him to always wiggle his way back into my
life.  What changed this time?  I realize that I am complete and perfect just as
I am and I didn’t need him to make me whole or happy because I was already
whole.

A wise person once wrote to me, “When u are secure & happy with who u
are, a relationship is just the icing on an already delicious cake!”  Truer
words have never been spoken

What I can tell you, what I know to be true, is that nothing in my life ever
changed until I took control of my life, until I stood up, not to the world, but
to myself and said enough is enough.  When I took responsibility for my life the
door to my past slammed shut and the door to my future opened wide.  This time,
instead of prying the door to my past open again, I turned and took the plunge
into the unknown.  Am I scared?  I’m terrified!  Isn’t it great!!

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