4 Oct

The funny thing is that I KNOW that I am a catch.

Odd isn’t it for someone with such low self esteem, only, I don’t really have a low self esteem.  In my estimation I am pretty cool, a pretty even combination of country and city, dork and “it” girl, soft and strong and I think that any guy would be very lucky to have me by his side.

Believe me, they aren’t hollow words, with very rare exception (and everyone has that rare exception) I feel this way pretty consistantly.  Its been a fairly new confidence b/c believe me, I didn’t always see myself through these eyes.

So what’s the problem?

I’m not really sure.  There is a part of me that is beyond ready to move on and ready to start over and while I am content with how things have progressed in my life in the last year especially there is still something holding me back.

There is a fear.  Its the only way I can describe it really.  An unwillingness to allow myself to feel that way again.  Its like when you are a kid and your mom tells you not to touch something because its hot but you do it anyways.  Some of us learn that first time and we don’t touch it again.  Some of us don’t listen, maybe we are slow, and the next time our mom tells us not to touch because its hot we sill touch it.  Its the ultimate in insanity, always doing the same thing but yet expecting different results.

I’ve stayed stagnant for so long because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself again not to touch the hot pan but maybe its time to look past that.  Only, I’m not so sure how to overcome the crippling fear and trust myself again.

Someone once said,

“The key is to get to know people and
trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them
to be- and when they’re not, we cry.”

Retrospection is a funny bird sometimes.  When I look back I realize that I have been guilty of this very faux pas.  I’ve always had a very trusting nature but in all honesty I don’t know that I ever truly got to know very many people before completely allowing them to hold that honored spot in my heart.  I short changed myself and never even realized it.

So, I think it’s time to start anew, like Bella said in Eclipse (I told you I was the perfect combination of dork)

“I’ve chosen my life –

now I want to start living it.”


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