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The Facts of Life

31 Oct

Abraham Lincoln once said,

                “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”

This inevitable fact of life was driven home for me earlier this week.  I made the mistake of sharing a blog that I had just written and posted on my blog site for all the world to see on the Facebook feed of a Fat Acceptance group that I was a member of;  yet the crushing blow came not from a nameless, faceless internet troll but from a comrade in arms.  It was the deciding factor in a long and sometimes painful coming of age for me.

I will not rehash the aforementioned blog here (If you want to read it, here is the link to it) I will summarize by saying it involved a night out at a country-western dance club, my wonderful and too damn sexy for his own good boyfriend, me and several girls who made it known throughout the night that I was not good enough for him and that he should be with someone like them because, after all, they were beautiful and I was not.

Upon sharing this blog with my fellow fatties, believing that there would be camaraderie and sisterhood and all that other mumbo jumbo I promptly had a bucket of very cold water dumped on my head as I was informed by a member (and might I add moderator) of this group that I had just devalued my boyfriend by referring to him as a prize to be won.  I want to share with you the conversation that occurred between myself and her and various other members of this group so that you can make a call for yourself;

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Now, if this had been the first time something like this has happened in this group I could have turned the other cheek and rolled my eyes and said ok, whatever; but this was not the first time that something like this has happened and it made me really rethink my involvement in these kinds of groups.  The purpose behind me joining this group was to have a foundation of support in my fight against sizeism yet here I am defending myself and my point of view against someone with the same small mindedness as all the sheep out there just in reverse.  It was, needless to say, a giant slap in the face to come to the final conclusion that this was not a membership that wished to associate myself with any longer.  After all, 9 times out of 10, the members of this group came across as hard core, almost militant feminists so it should have come as no surprise to me that my more traditional, conservative point of views would clash and lead to battles like these, except this was the first time it had led to a battle like this.  In the past, at the slightest hint of conflict I would tuck tail and run not wanting to be the bad guy but this time I had a vested interest in the conflict, after all, it was my personal experience that was being disparaged.

So, since I recognized that I was fighting a losing battle by trying to defend myself in the ensuing comments and since I saw that my foe was the type of person who needed to have the ultimate last word, I made a conscious decision and just stopped.  I made a decision that it was pointless to argue with someone who refused to see the world past the end of their own nose and that any point that I tried to make was just going to be wasted on her.  I copied the comments and promptly deleted myself from this and other drama wrapped groups.

This was the day that I left the Fat Acceptance movement.  I realized that underneath the well meaning cause that these women had taken up was a underlying snarkiness that would never allow them to prevail in this cause because they were, for the most part, unable or unwilling to lay down their selfishness for the better good.  I still believe in everything that I believed in before this day, I just don’t believe in this particular sect of the movement any longer.

I understand now that, like me, most of these women grew up in a society that crapped on them and fed them lies to belittle them, to shove them into a corner, no make them go away.  Most of these women did not have a strong foundation of family and friends to support them in their self discovery and so, now, most of these women haven’t the first clue when it comes to what a healthy, functional relationship really is or how to sustain one once they have found it.  Most all of the women that I have come in contact with during my time in these groups have formed such a wall around themselves that they almost demand complete independence from any outside force, they feel that they are the captain and sole master of their destiny and I’m sorry, but nothing can function if you are unwilling to step back and be weak for just a moment and allow someone else to be strong for you.  Most of these women have convinced themselves that they do not need outside validation but how can that be when it is human nature to crave love and compassion and companionship?   These things go hand in hand with one another.  And while I will agree that “…external factors should not be the sole measure of one’s worth” I also believe that no man is an island and that without those external factors you can not be a completely whole person.

Not everyone that I encountered in these groups were bad, I have come away having met some pretty awesome people but, to quote a line from the prophet Madea,

“Only two places on this earth you’re gonna have peace, your grave and your house. Now if you wake up in your house and you’ve got no peace something is wrong. “


Dear Daughter: The Postscript

29 Aug

Dear Daughter: The Postscript.

25 Feb

Its with a heavy heart that I share this fellow FA bloggers story in hopes that it may save even one life

First, Do No Harm

Mod note: It is with great sadness that I’m posting the following story. For those of us who know richie79 from Big Fat Blog, this will be devastating news. I’m so sorry for your loss, Richie.

My name is Rich; I may be better known to some of you as richie79 of the UK who used to post prolifically on Big Fat Blog and elsewhere in the Fatosphere for many years. I wanted to share my dear wife Heather’s story and felt this was maybe the best place to do it.

I met ‘sweetheather86’ online in 2005 through a plus-size dating website. I’ve always had a preference for bigger women and at the time was in a bad place following the failure of a previous long-term relationship. Heather and I hit it off almost immediately despite her being in the US and almost 7 years younger than I. Looking forward…

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Fat Actress: Bollywood Edition

17 May

Well, folks, looks like we have shared out fear and distaste of fat people to the rest of the world.  Bollywood Queen Aishwarya Rai is currently being slammed by fans for her failure to return to her pre pregnancy body.  Message boards and blogs in the actress’s native India have been inundated with disgruntled fans who say that the star has a “duty” to her fans to keep up her image.  Several sites have actually posted video of the actress and overlaying sound clips of an elephant trumping drawing in thousands of views.  Some are even suggesting that she needs to learn from the likes of former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham who, just weeks after the birth of her daughter, was back to her size zero self.

Professor of Indian Culture and Cinema at the University of London, Rachel Dwyer, points the finger of blame to us,

“I think this baby weight thing is a western obsession with pulling stars down,” she wrote in an email exchange on the topic. “Women who lose weight are congratulated and those who don’t are seen as letting themselves go. I’ve not heard of it in India before.”

This obsession that we have with weight and what our perception of beauty is has been so a skewed over the past 30 years or so.  Women now are trying harder than ever to maintain their looks well into their 40’s and 50’s and 60’s.  Have you ever just taken a moment to consider that it’s just not healthy to force yourself back to the way your body was before you had a child?

Take Victoria Beckham for example.  Yahoo search “Victoria Beckham looses weight” and you find article after article for the “5 hands diet”.  The diet consists of having just five handfuls of food a day and it was reported that Beckham was snacking on tiny portions of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs.  All of that so she could be in shape in time for New York Fashion Week which was just about a month away.  Instead of embracing her curves she locked herself away from the world until she was “presentable.”  Really! I hope she wasn’t breastfeeding subsisting off of just 5 handfuls of food a day.  There is a reason your body responds the way it does to certain situations.  The irony of this, I find, is that during a Yahoo search (can you tell I am not yet a Google convert yet?) of “Victoria Beckham” the top story was an article on the business wire that Beckham had banned size 0 models from the catwalk at her show.

I, for one, happen to think the former Miss World is still beautiful, only infinitely more so since now she has the glow of a mother.   We should be ashamed of ourselves for spreading this horrible message of self loathing and body hate to any other country in the world.  Its bad enough that we have to deal with it but now we have introduced an entirely new group of impressionable girls to wonderful world of fat shaming.  I liked the way that ABC news reported the story,

“Pictures show a woman who has clearly gained weight, but does not appear unhealthy or abnormal for a new mother.”

I applaud ABC news for an unbiased observation, now if only the rest of the world could follow suite.

19 Aug

I’m always happy when I find new curvy-positive blogs and sites, places that we can turn to find the support system that many of us need to continue to hold our heads up high and rock our sexy, voluptuous bodies.  Even the most confident women out there has her share of days where she doesn’t feel so confident.

I must do some page pimping right now since I have found a new blog that I really love.  I am still pretty new to the whole word press thing and so I was trying to find some sister blogs last night that I could add to my blog roll and maybe some places I could turn to for inspiration and that boost when I need it.  That place came in the form of The Curvy Girl Revolution (

It’s a simple place, lots of video clips of interviews and what I love the most is the abundance of pics.  Curvy girls of the world unite! Ms. Eves has found and posted some of the most beautiful curvy women I have ever seen flaunt their stuff.  It’s always wonderful to see real women (and not the women that some “plus size” places tell us are real) willing to bare it all, rolls included.

I encourage you to check it out and see what it’s all about! Just remember my lovelies!!




Hello world!

16 Aug

Welcome to After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.