Tag Archives: abuse

Shades of Grey

18 Feb

I am so over hearing about what a horrible risk the 50 Shades of Grey movie is for the values of America and how God is going to smite me if I go see this depraved, women hating perversion of a movie. Let me just preface this as saying that I have not seen the movie, nor do I plan to while it is in the theaters because, A, the movies are never as good as the books50-shades-of-grey-sortie-soiree-paris-sadomasochiste are and I just don’t want to ruin it for myself and, B, I refuse to pay that much to see a movie anymore. However, I have read the books so I am not like most of the people who are commenting on this topic without any frame of reference.  Let me also preface this by saying that I am a survivor of rape and domestic violence so the subject of both is particularly sensitive to me.
50 Shades of Grey is NOT the second coming of the Antichrist. It is not a violence laden book written to exploit women or to glorify rape or non-consensual sex. It is a story of a young couple who participates in premarital sexual relations, something that regardless of whether it is right or wrong goes on thousands of times a day every day in this world. It is a story of a women who loses her virginity to a man who enjoys having control. It is a story of a womans sexual awaking, her personal sexual revolution if you will, her discovery of what pleasures her and what she finds enjoyment in. She enters into this arrangement fully aware of her choices and the consequences of them.
Now, I am not an expert on the BDSM lifestyle although I do know a little about it. I know that there are people in the BDSM community who detest this movie and the books because it is not an accurate depiction of the lifestyle. This may be completely true, I’ve never known of any Dom/Sub that actually went through with a legally binding contract like Christian and Ana do in the story. What I do know is that true BDSM is never abuse; it is always consenting and everyone that I have ever had the chance of meeting from within this community goes to great strides to ensure the safety and enjoyment of all involved. If the truth be told, although the person in the submissive role has chosen to enter this role on their own it is the submissive who holds the control of the situation at all times, with a simple word or gesture all play can and does come to an end until the submissive is again comfortable with the situation.
Today, I read an article on line in which Olympian Lolo Jones goes to great strides to blast the film and books as well as members of the BDSM lifestyle. I applaud Ms. Jones for having the moral fortitude to remain a virgin in this day and time but for her to take to social media and basically shame an entire group of people, well, way to not cast the first stone there. She is quoted from her Twitter feed as having said, “…God didn’t create sex for that purpose…”. Ok, so since you and God are on a daily speaking scheduled, what did he create sex for? Procreation would be the standard answer and yes, you would be correct, it was created for procreation but I somehow doubt that the Lord created this act expecting us to never find some pleasure in it, otherwise our bodies would not have been designed to experience an orgasm. So, my thought process is that if he created us to feel orgasms and planned for us to enjoy the act of sex then why would he frown upon our exploration of such an act and what brings us pleasure?
There is nothing wrong with basic “vanilla” sex and if this is what you enjoy then bravo, however, there is also absolutely nothing wrong with exploring all avenues of sex, weather it be the addition of watching a porn video as foreplay to adding a few toys to the mix to exploring your darker side with some role playing or a little bondage. If you discover though the course of this exploration that something does not tickle your fancy then there is no harm in having found out but to go your entire life wondering what it would be like to experience something and then miss out on the chance to discover something that would bring you some pleasure, well, that to me is a travesty.
Basically, what it boils down to is what happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their home (or in an accepting safe environment) is between them and no one else. It is never anyone’s place to pass judgment on what someone decides to do, even if it is something that you yourself find abhorrent. There is but one judge in this world and he died on a cross some 2000 years ago so until you learn how to walk on water keep your sanctimony and your hands to yourself.

You’ll never know if you can fly till you try

16 Aug

orig. published 2/28/11

What is it that makes us stay with the wrong people?  Are we blinded to the
fact that they are wrong for us or is our fear of being alone so strong that we
will do almost anything to avoid being by ourselves, even if it means making
ourselves miserable.

I have always been a self professed St. Jude, always falling for the worst
possible people, staying in the most sadistic of relationships (and I use that
term loosely) and fighting till the bitter end (and then some) and looking back
I would love to tell you that I know why I continually put myself into these
situations and that I have the solution, but really I am no further now than I
ever really have been.

Matt had been a fixture in my life for the last 5 years in many
capacities…friend, lover, enemy, my future and my past all rolled into one.  How
many times had I wanted to quit him and never could find the strength to just
put it all behind me.  4 months is the longest that we have ever gone without
talking or seeing each other, just as I would manage to scale the top of Mt.
Matt and be able to see the hope on the other side he would find another way to
make me lose my grip and go tumbling back down to the bottom.

So very much of my life has been wasted on this disastrous period of my life
when all I really wanted was to be happy.  This time something changed, this
time my description of happy changed.  Instead of my happiness being tied to
someone else its now tied to me.  This time when he came back I was able to
fight it and much to my astonishment it was much easier than I had ever
imagined.  The only thing that changed between then and now was ME!  No longer
was I the girl of my past I had become the woman of my future and I realized
that while I may not have everything I wanted out of my life right this moment,
I had everything that I needed and that my life wasn’t over yet so all those
good things are headed my way I just have to be patient enough to wait for
them.

Good things come to those who wait, I believe it now.  Now, I am not saying
that it’s a walk in the park every day, there are days that I long for that
missing piece so much that I am moved to tears but at the end of the day what
becomes of my life is ultimately up to me; I can choose to wallow in my little
pity party or I can choose to get up and make the best of my life.  After all
its our choices that make us who we are.  The Bible says “He who does not work,
does not eat” and the same is true in other areas of our lives.  I can choose to
sit around and wait for love to find me or I can actively seek it out, if I
don’t look for it then I don’t get it.  But, like so many lessons, love has to
start at home (or yourself as the case my be).  I never loved myself enough to
stay away from Matt, thus allowing him to always wiggle his way back into my
life.  What changed this time?  I realize that I am complete and perfect just as
I am and I didn’t need him to make me whole or happy because I was already
whole.

A wise person once wrote to me, “When u are secure & happy with who u
are, a relationship is just the icing on an already delicious cake!”  Truer
words have never been spoken

What I can tell you, what I know to be true, is that nothing in my life ever
changed until I took control of my life, until I stood up, not to the world, but
to myself and said enough is enough.  When I took responsibility for my life the
door to my past slammed shut and the door to my future opened wide.  This time,
instead of prying the door to my past open again, I turned and took the plunge
into the unknown.  Am I scared?  I’m terrified!  Isn’t it great!!

What Did I Do

16 Aug

Originally published 10/12/10

The thought just occurred to me that I may not be ready for love or a
relationship, they maybe I am too messed up from all the years of pain to deal
with it.  I have been seriously dating for 14 yrs now and in that time I have
had a series of dysfunctional relationships that were all destined for
heartbreak.  I have to wonder now, after all of this time, why it is that though
I am over those past loves and don’t seem to be over the trauma that was done to
my heart.
Cheated on, beaten, raped, made to feel like I am worthless and for
such a long time I believed those lies, the ones that told me that I would never
find anyone that would treat me any better than who I was with at the time, so I
stayed and put up with it and when it was over I was devastated and immediately
jumped into another bad relationship.  Not all of them were as bad as the
others, some didn’t come with the violence, some only came with the
infidelities, some I could tell realy wanted to love me but just didnt’ have it
in their ability at the time to do so.
But, after all of this the one
question that lays on my mind and seems to haunt me the most is what I am doing
to bring this on myself.  I must be doing something, I have been told so many
times that I am such a sweet girl, that I am such a loving person but if I am
such a sweet girl then why is it that I am always on this path to destruction it
seems.  I realize that I am going after the wrong guys, that much is clear, but
what is not so clear is where the good guys are.  I mean, I have a 50/50 chance
of finding a good guy or a loser and for some reason over the last 14 years, the
odds have not been in my favor.  What I am doing or saying that makes me such a
target for the abuse, why is it that in a crowded room the only guy who
approaches me is the one guy that will hurt me?
So, here I am, this battered
bird trying to fly but I just can’t seem to get off the ground.  By now I am
afraid that I am unable to be open enough for a relationship, that I won’t be
able to love again because now my fear is so great that I push even decent
people away.  I gave up looking for love, I gave it all over the God and said
here you go, what I have been doing isn’t working so well, so I give it to you
and I stopped worrying about it, I moved on and it was probably the longest time
that I had been single since I started seriously dating at eighteen.  I stopped
looking and one day, boom, there he was, I was completely oblivious that he was
even checking me out, I was just out having fun with my friend and there he
was.  I was so completely oblivious that I would have walked out the door that
night and never even said a word to him (damn terrible incurable shyness) if not
for my best friend.  By the time I realized that it was not going to work I was
too far gone to take the step backwards and start over again, I was determined
to make it work even though I knew that it never would.  He hurt me worst that
any other man had ever hurt me before, I’m unsure why though because there was
no intentional physical violence, but psychologically, he damaged me worse than
I ever thought possible.
He apologized to me later, admitted what he had done
was wrong, not in an attempt to win me back but because I think he knew he
needed to in order to heal himself and that knowledge, that small shred of
dignity that was given back to me it helped for a while, but here I am again.  I
can’t say that I am unable to get past what has been done to me in the past, I
think that I am past it for the most part, at least the really old
relationships, the newer ones still have a sting to them.  I say that I am
afraid to trust openly and maybe I am afraid to trust but who could blame me.

I still want to know what it is that I am doing wrong.  I am happy with
myself, I reached a point in my life long ago that I realized that superficial
things didn’t really matter, sure I would like to lose some weight, not because
I think it would make me more attractive but because I think it would improve my
health.  I am me, I dress and act the way that pleases me, the way that I am
comfortable, I am not a girly girl, never have been and I probably never will
be, but what I am is a loving, nurturing woman who is devoted and supportive.
What I will no longer be, however, is a bank, or a motel, or a place to run when
when you need your needs met because in the end my needs don’t get met and I am
left to clean up the mess.  I am strong and independent, I am opinionated and
while I am shy and quiet most of the time I am not afraid to share those
opinions when the time is right.  I love my family, my God and my country and I
am not afraid to fight for the things I love.  I don’t run around, I am not a
floozy and I am not a tramp, I can be moody and temperamental sometimes but this
doesn’t mean that I am angry or antisocial, it just means that sometimes I need
a little more love than others.
With all that said, I remain on this path in
an attempt to find out what it is that attracts me to heartbreak and failure
because I know that until I find out the answer to this question I will be
forever in limbo and unable to fully love anyone the way that they deserve to be
loved.