“SWM ISO No Fat Chicks”

It never fails to amaze me at the shallowness of the human race.  I understand that there needs to be a physical attraction, I get that because there are people out there that reply to my personal ads that I am not attracted to but how can you even attempt to find significant, long-term, supportive love based upon the superficial.

All these people out there claim that they are looking for love and companionship or they are looking for someone to care about them, someone celebrate successes with and to love them even when they fail, someone to be their best friend.  In reality what they are looking for is someone to be arm candy and for sexual gratification.

Pardon me if I sound slightly bitter its just that I get so tired of seeing that dreaded line in every flipping personal ad… no bbw… no fat chicks… hwp…   Just because someone doesn’t fit neatly into this little package doesn’t mean that its wrong.  The old adage “don’t judge a book by its cover” comes to mind.

If you find someone who fits every thing that you say you are looking for but they don’t look exactly like you expected that they would, don’t rule them out just yet, you will never know what you are missing out on by not opening your eyes and really seeing what is standing right in front of you.

Survivor

I know there are a lot of people, friends included, who do not know about my painful past, the abusive relationships, not only with others but with myself.  It’s not something that I have kept hidden, I am pretty open about it, my feeling has always been that if I could help someone I would share my experiences in the hopes of saving them.  I escaped but so many others don’t.

So, you can imagine how unsettled I was after reading  the thread on my Facebook status from earlier this weekend.  Friday night I was on my way home to change my clothes and get ready to go out with some friends for dinner and I got caught up in some traffic.  I was just about to cut through the parking lot of the 7-11 to by-pass the traffic and hop on my street when I notice the unforgivable!  Two cars involved in a minor fender bender were pulled over to the right side of the road, both cars had little damage to the car and the occupants of both cars, each of which were a Hispanic couple, were standing outside their respective cars when I noticed that the couple from the rear car were arguing.  I suspect that I know what the argument was about, I’ve been in that same argument a couple of times before myself, when the next thing I see is the man put his hands around the girls arms and give her a mighty shove backwards.

She stumbled a couple of steps and caught herself, I started to roll my window down to yell and the man (and I use that term loosely) when traffic started to move and I had to move with it.  I considered turning the corner and coming back around or pulling on my street and calling 911 but as I turned I could hear the sirens down the road so I didn’t worry too much about this girl, at least not so much right at that moment.

I did what millions of us do on a daily basis, I took to Facebook to vent my frustration out posting the following status:

“Two cars got into a fender bender down the street from my house and as I drove past I saw this guy push the girl who was in the car with him while they argued. I had to suppress my urge to pull over and knock some sense into both of them! What makes a guy think its ok to hit a woman?”

A couple of my friends showed their support with likes, my own brother irritated me a little with his comment about the guys doing it b/c they know they can get away with it until I remembered that he was right and that so many of us stay when we should be leaving.  Yet the comment that took me completely by surprise was a string of comments from an old high school acquaintance who I had been having a friendly “flirtationship” with as of late.  He completely caught me off guard with his string of comments.

Maybe he just didn’t know about my past, maybe that is just how he thinks but in either case it’s not a good situation for me to be in.

No person deserves to be hit (I have to remind myself this on a daily basis as there are countless numbers of stupid people who I would love to knock upside the head, but I digress) but especially a woman!  How anyone can think that its ok is beyond me!

 

 

Enlightenment

orig. published 5/30/11

I’d
like to pose this question to everyone out there but especially the guys
online.

Last
night I posted an online dating ad on craigslist.  Now, granted, I realize that
its craigslist but you never know.  I didn’t really think that I would find
anyone serious online but I figured a date or two couldn’t hurt.  I started my
ad with the following line,

“I am a beautiful, sweet, caring, passionate,
opinionated 31 year old woman”

Now, I have
been on craigslist before so I am not new to this game and I got several
responses, most of them nice.  But there were two guys who went out of their way
to be an ass.  I’ll quote:

“I don’t think your beautiful at
all…. take that word out”

“YOUR WEAKNESS IS PIES CAKES &
TWINKIES YOU’LL EAT AND
FUCK ANYTHING THAT SAY YES.  YEAH I’M A
DICK BUT
I AM NOT WRING AM I ?”

Now, everyone is a
entitled to an opinion and I can’t blame someone for feeling the way that they
do, hell, there are guys online that I see and think ‘you are not attractive’
but I never feel the need to respond to them and say as
such.

So, here is my question, why go to the trouble?  Why
respond and tell someone that they you don’t think they are beautiful, why take
the time to attempt to degrade someone?  What do you get out of it?  Its not
going to get all the fat girls off of the face of the earth and certainly not
off of the dating sites so why do it?

**Oh…btw, I didn’t misspell wrong, that was a copy and
paste from the actual email, hey, I didn’t say they were smart assholes,
lol**

I am going to become a nun, its easier than dating…

orig. published 3/20/11

So, this week I took a chance and sent a response to a personals ad.  Well,
this isn’t really a risk for me, I respond to them from time to time if one
catches my interest and this one caught my attention.  My brother happened to be
in town so I didn’t have much time to talk to this guy or anything till this
weekend.  We sent a few emails and IM’s over a couple of days, nothing really
big, in fact I was starting to get a little irritated b/c the IM’s always ended
up being like one message and then nothing.  The big risk came tonight, we
exchanged a couple of IM’s and then he asked if I wanted to chat on the phone, I
had his number so I gave him a call while I was driving home from Walmart.  We
only talked for about 15 or 20 mins. and that was plenty enough.  In the course
of the conversation we went from “Wow, I just have to say how beautiful you are”
to “Do you want to come over?” to “What positions do you like?”

Now, I realize that I have had a slightly sketchy past when it comes to
relationships but I would like to think that I have come a long way in the last
few years, and at least this one had the 3 big ones (a car, a job and an
apartment) but it left me wondering if I just attract this kind of guy?  You
know the one, all he thinks about is sex and when he is gonna get it and what he
has to say to get it.  It makes to really hard to trust that a guy is being
sincere when the conversation is all about what he has to do to get me into
bed.

I realize that sex is an important component to a relationship but not on the
first conversation, hell not even the second one either.  First conversations
are “What kind of music do you like?” “What is your favorite movies?” “What do
you do for fun?” stuff like that, not “Would you like me to whisper sweet things
in your ear while I am inside you?”

I can’t believe that it is this hard to find a man, not a boy, but a man.  I
would like to think that I am worthy of at least the respect of someone to not
ask me in the first 10 minutes of the first conversation if I shave or not.  I
may not be girly but I am a lady dang it.

So, I am left wondering how long it will take before I just totally swear off
men all together.  Why is it so hard to find a quality man in this world?

Somewhere out there (or Adventures in Craigslist)

orig. published 4/2/11

Another Saturday night and I find myself killing time on Craigslist while I
wait on a friend of mine to go to the movies.  I am excited about this night in
particular as this is a friend that I don’t get to spend that much time with
anymore and certainly almost none just the 2 of us, on top of that we are going
to see Insidious which I have been dying to see for weeks now!

I always get a kick out of browsing the personals on Craigslist, most of the
time, even in the categories that are meant for more serious people, you find
nothing but hook-up invitations and honestly alot of them are freaking hilarious
to read.  I take the personals section on Craigslist with a very small grain of
salt, I realize that there are far more women on looking for long term
relationships then men but I still find myself strangely drawn to them.

Right there between an ad for someone looking for help with his laptop that
he seems to have messed up and a black man looking for ms. right was “WOW!!! I
MISS THE PASSIONATE KISSES!!!!”

Of course the guy is married but in that split second that I read the title I
had a fast forward flash of everything that I miss about being in a
relationship.  I guess you can guess, passionate kisses was one of them, lol, on
that one I actually remembered the night that my ex and I decided to try again,
of course those were the only times that I got passionate kisses from him.  But,
its far more than the passionate kisses that I miss….

Its having someone to come home to at the end of a long day…

Its someone to go to sleep next to…..

Its someone who will just let me ramble about anything and everything that
has irritated me that day, or week, or month….

Its someone who pretends to be interested when I know that they are
not….

Its someone to wipe the tears away when the depression just gets too much to
handle…

Its someone to laugh at me when I forget that I have a brain and say
something silly….

Its a tender touch, a glance, a smirk, a wink…..

Its knowing that I am not alone in the world…..

Its what keeps me coming back to these stupid personal ads all the time even
though I find far more frogs than I ever have princes.

Its what gives me hope and faith to continue looking, knowing that, as cliche
as it sounds, he is somewhere out there wishing on the same bright star.

The Dating Game

orig. published 2/9/11

When you think about it, dating is simply a series of games we all play to
see what the other will do.  You miss a phone call on purpose to see if they
call back or let you
make the next move, this gives u an idea, some insight
into the kind of person they are. Think about it, how else do u find out if they
are confident or clingy, independent or needy?  We pretend that we are Mary
Homemaker or Mr. Macho in hopes that we will attract that special someone but
are all these games necessary?  Why can’t we just be who we are, I mean, in the
end, when the truth comes out if they really care they will stay anyways and
chances are that regardless of when they find out the truth, in the beginning or
the end, if they are going to leave then they are going to leave, its not going
to matter when show them the real you.

I know that in my experience the biggest game that I have played has been to
pretend to be someone that I am not in order to keep someone, obviously its not
worked all that well.  I have made it my goal this time around upfront, to be
me, to not pretend to be what I am not, not so much because I want to to be any
easier on whoever I am potentially dating but because why waste the time
pretending to be something that I am not, I mean if its not going to work out
why extend the pain, right?

Whether you admit it or not the whole reason for the game is the control that
we all seek when it comes to relationships, In the end you have to decide if
love is really worth the game and who is the better opponent.

You’ll never know if you can fly till you try

orig. published 2/28/11

What is it that makes us stay with the wrong people?  Are we blinded to the
fact that they are wrong for us or is our fear of being alone so strong that we
will do almost anything to avoid being by ourselves, even if it means making
ourselves miserable.

I have always been a self professed St. Jude, always falling for the worst
possible people, staying in the most sadistic of relationships (and I use that
term loosely) and fighting till the bitter end (and then some) and looking back
I would love to tell you that I know why I continually put myself into these
situations and that I have the solution, but really I am no further now than I
ever really have been.

Matt had been a fixture in my life for the last 5 years in many
capacities…friend, lover, enemy, my future and my past all rolled into one.  How
many times had I wanted to quit him and never could find the strength to just
put it all behind me.  4 months is the longest that we have ever gone without
talking or seeing each other, just as I would manage to scale the top of Mt.
Matt and be able to see the hope on the other side he would find another way to
make me lose my grip and go tumbling back down to the bottom.

So very much of my life has been wasted on this disastrous period of my life
when all I really wanted was to be happy.  This time something changed, this
time my description of happy changed.  Instead of my happiness being tied to
someone else its now tied to me.  This time when he came back I was able to
fight it and much to my astonishment it was much easier than I had ever
imagined.  The only thing that changed between then and now was ME!  No longer
was I the girl of my past I had become the woman of my future and I realized
that while I may not have everything I wanted out of my life right this moment,
I had everything that I needed and that my life wasn’t over yet so all those
good things are headed my way I just have to be patient enough to wait for
them.

Good things come to those who wait, I believe it now.  Now, I am not saying
that it’s a walk in the park every day, there are days that I long for that
missing piece so much that I am moved to tears but at the end of the day what
becomes of my life is ultimately up to me; I can choose to wallow in my little
pity party or I can choose to get up and make the best of my life.  After all
its our choices that make us who we are.  The Bible says “He who does not work,
does not eat” and the same is true in other areas of our lives.  I can choose to
sit around and wait for love to find me or I can actively seek it out, if I
don’t look for it then I don’t get it.  But, like so many lessons, love has to
start at home (or yourself as the case my be).  I never loved myself enough to
stay away from Matt, thus allowing him to always wiggle his way back into my
life.  What changed this time?  I realize that I am complete and perfect just as
I am and I didn’t need him to make me whole or happy because I was already
whole.

A wise person once wrote to me, “When u are secure & happy with who u
are, a relationship is just the icing on an already delicious cake!”  Truer
words have never been spoken

What I can tell you, what I know to be true, is that nothing in my life ever
changed until I took control of my life, until I stood up, not to the world, but
to myself and said enough is enough.  When I took responsibility for my life the
door to my past slammed shut and the door to my future opened wide.  This time,
instead of prying the door to my past open again, I turned and took the plunge
into the unknown.  Am I scared?  I’m terrified!  Isn’t it great!!

I Miss Mayberry

orig. published 10/26/10

I used to joke around after the end of a bad relationship that next time I
was going to do a background check on the potential beau, little did I know at
the time that it would soon become almost a necessity to do so.  I have to
wonder what ever happened to the days gone by when a man’s word meant something
and you never had to worry about someone being honest with you?  What happened
that made our society so screwed up that we distrust everyone we meet, its no
longer innocent until proven guilty, but quite the opposite, guilty until proven
innocent and that is no way to carry on a relationship.  We can’t make our new
SO pay for the sins of the old and not expect them to stick around for any
length of time.

Why is it now just so blaise to run a background check on someone, when did
we stop demanding the best of people, when did we stop expecting people to be
honest, stand up individuals who stood behind what they thought and said?  Is
there any chance that we may again someday return to those bygone days of
chivalry and respect and when will we stop treating each other with the same
basic respect that we demand ourselves?

Betrayed and I never even knew

origninally published 10/7/10

I can’t seem to tear my mind away from the scene in my head, you know the
one, it repeats over and over as if chanting to me, calling to me, taunting me,
“ha, ha, ha, you’re a loser”  In my head, there they are lying on the floor,
kissing, touching, feeling.  Her hands grasp at his back, his hand runs down the
length of her leg raising it up as if he savoring every touch, every lingering
kiss.  They tear at each others clothes frantically trying to rid themselves of
the barrier keeping them from fulfilling this most intimate of acts and then
there it is the moment of truth, will they stop this foolishness and consider
what this one moment could mean or do they throw caution to the wind and sub
come to this passion that rages inside like a wild fire threatening to over take
them.
In my head its like I am Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, I am
in the room with them, watching, hearing, feeling every beat of my heart as it
cracks slowly but they are oblivious to my presence, what they are focused on is
much more important than anything else in that moment.  I hear the panting, the
soft moans of pleasure that creep from deep hidden crevices.  I know that touch,
I know it well and now she does too.
I wish in that moment to be inside their
brains, to know the thought process, to feel whatever it is that has led them
down this destructive path, one from which there is no return.  Things have
forever changed and nothing could ever be the same again, no matter how hard
anyone tried.  I want to know how this happened, what I had done to make this
the only way; surely I have done something, said something, thought something
that has made me deserve this betrayal, this slap in the face, this sucker punch
to my heart.  People just don’t act like this without a reason….right?
I
wake up from the nightmare in my head and lay there in the comfort of my warm
bed as the tears begin to fall and I want to tell myself that it was all just a
dream and that nothing had happend, but I know the truth now and I wonder to
myself if I am all the better for knowing it or if I would have been better to
live the rest of my life in ignorance.  I can’t seem to pull myself away from
this place of pain and abandonment that has left me shattered, numb and
confused.

A Rose by Any Other Name

So I am confused, I am newly single and while not completely ready for a
serious relationship just yet I also am not quite ready to give up on this
absurd notion I have that I will actually meet someone and be able to have a
healthy, fulfilling relationship, so in my spare time I have found that an
entertaining way to pass the time is to peruse the personal ads on Craigslist.
Some of these are so freaking hilarious that I can’t help but nominate them to
the best of catagory but in my travels I have found that there are a great deal
of men out there that point blank will tell you that they are not looking for a
fat chick.

Now, don’t get me wrong, some of them are nice about it, they tell you that
they are looking for someone who is HWP (hight/weight proportionate) but its the
same thing, just a nice way of saying no fat chicks.  But as I was logging into
xanga tonight an article caught my eye, http://www.datingish.com/736154250/what-men-actually-find-attractive/, it
was a blog that someone had posted on the sister sight datingish.com and it was
about the usual stereotype stuff and why it is that we are told that men are
only interested in women who fit into the normal definition of attractive.  She
was discounting this idea saying that judging by the number of guys that she
sees around her campus who are all about the PDAs with women who are the
opposite of the normal definition that this notion is not correct.

All I know is that I sure do have a hard time meeting nice decent men that
are attracted to “fat chicks”

I don’t seem to have a problem finding jerks, so I have obviously masted that
art but where are all the nice guys at?

I leared a long time ago to not let it hurt my feelings when I would see
those dreaded words, it is a preference and some men just don’t seem to be
attracted to bigger women and that is fine because I really am not attracted to
them either.  Those guys seem to be the superficial, high maintenance kinda
guys, you know the ones, they take longer than you do to get ready to just go to
McDonald’s for a Big Mac.  They are the ones who spend every spare moment they
have at the gym on the free weights working on their pecs and 6 packs, and while
I appreciate that some guys just like to stay in shape some take it far beyond
the point of insanity.

What does a nice fat girl have to do around here to meet a decent
man?!?!?

Just recently I got interested in what would happen so I sent out a couple of
responses to guys that I had found on Craigslist that seemed like they might be
nice guys, all of these guys that I emailed had not included the “No Fat Chicks”
clause in their ads so I took a chance.  I sent emails telling about myself and
what I was looking for and in some I included a picture, in some I did not.

In the ones that I did not include a picture of me I received responses
telling me that I sounded really nice and sweet and that they would like to get
to know me better, but with each person, once this photo was sent I never heard
anything back from any of them.

Now, I ask you what is the big deal, I am a woman, a human, I am just like
any other woman, I have needs and desires and dreams and wants, my size does not
affect those things.  I am reminded of a passage from “The Merchant in
Venice,”

“I am a Jew. Hath
not a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands,
organs,
dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed
with
the same food, hurt with the same weapons,
subject
to the same diseases, healed by the same
means,
warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer,
as
a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poison
us,
do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we not
revenge?”

What is it about us big gals that puts the guys off?  Why are guys so scared
to date us and why are they so worried about what other people might think if
they were to be seen in public with us?  A friend of mine told me earlier today
that I need to know that I ambeautiful just as I am and that what I need to do
is just switch races, but why should I have to switch races?  Why is it that
most white men are terrified to be seen with a fat girl but, God love’em, the
Black guys and Mexicans sure do love them a thick girl.

In a perfect world, no one would be judged on the outward appearance,
everyone would look past the cover and see what we are on the inside, we would
be judged on our character.  But until that day comes, I say to all you Fat Gals
out there, hang in there, I am told that somewhere there are men who like us,
when I figure out where to find them then I will let you know, if you figure it
out before I do, don’t forget me, grab your guy and then give me a call and
share the wealth.