Tag Archives: domestic violence

Shades of Grey

18 Feb

I am so over hearing about what a horrible risk the 50 Shades of Grey movie is for the values of America and how God is going to smite me if I go see this depraved, women hating perversion of a movie. Let me just preface this as saying that I have not seen the movie, nor do I plan to while it is in the theaters because, A, the movies are never as good as the books50-shades-of-grey-sortie-soiree-paris-sadomasochiste are and I just don’t want to ruin it for myself and, B, I refuse to pay that much to see a movie anymore. However, I have read the books so I am not like most of the people who are commenting on this topic without any frame of reference.  Let me also preface this by saying that I am a survivor of rape and domestic violence so the subject of both is particularly sensitive to me.
50 Shades of Grey is NOT the second coming of the Antichrist. It is not a violence laden book written to exploit women or to glorify rape or non-consensual sex. It is a story of a young couple who participates in premarital sexual relations, something that regardless of whether it is right or wrong goes on thousands of times a day every day in this world. It is a story of a women who loses her virginity to a man who enjoys having control. It is a story of a womans sexual awaking, her personal sexual revolution if you will, her discovery of what pleasures her and what she finds enjoyment in. She enters into this arrangement fully aware of her choices and the consequences of them.
Now, I am not an expert on the BDSM lifestyle although I do know a little about it. I know that there are people in the BDSM community who detest this movie and the books because it is not an accurate depiction of the lifestyle. This may be completely true, I’ve never known of any Dom/Sub that actually went through with a legally binding contract like Christian and Ana do in the story. What I do know is that true BDSM is never abuse; it is always consenting and everyone that I have ever had the chance of meeting from within this community goes to great strides to ensure the safety and enjoyment of all involved. If the truth be told, although the person in the submissive role has chosen to enter this role on their own it is the submissive who holds the control of the situation at all times, with a simple word or gesture all play can and does come to an end until the submissive is again comfortable with the situation.
Today, I read an article on line in which Olympian Lolo Jones goes to great strides to blast the film and books as well as members of the BDSM lifestyle. I applaud Ms. Jones for having the moral fortitude to remain a virgin in this day and time but for her to take to social media and basically shame an entire group of people, well, way to not cast the first stone there. She is quoted from her Twitter feed as having said, “…God didn’t create sex for that purpose…”. Ok, so since you and God are on a daily speaking scheduled, what did he create sex for? Procreation would be the standard answer and yes, you would be correct, it was created for procreation but I somehow doubt that the Lord created this act expecting us to never find some pleasure in it, otherwise our bodies would not have been designed to experience an orgasm. So, my thought process is that if he created us to feel orgasms and planned for us to enjoy the act of sex then why would he frown upon our exploration of such an act and what brings us pleasure?
There is nothing wrong with basic “vanilla” sex and if this is what you enjoy then bravo, however, there is also absolutely nothing wrong with exploring all avenues of sex, weather it be the addition of watching a porn video as foreplay to adding a few toys to the mix to exploring your darker side with some role playing or a little bondage. If you discover though the course of this exploration that something does not tickle your fancy then there is no harm in having found out but to go your entire life wondering what it would be like to experience something and then miss out on the chance to discover something that would bring you some pleasure, well, that to me is a travesty.
Basically, what it boils down to is what happens between two consenting adults in the privacy of their home (or in an accepting safe environment) is between them and no one else. It is never anyone’s place to pass judgment on what someone decides to do, even if it is something that you yourself find abhorrent. There is but one judge in this world and he died on a cross some 2000 years ago so until you learn how to walk on water keep your sanctimony and your hands to yourself.



29 Aug

I know there are a lot of people, friends included, who do not know about my painful past, the abusive relationships, not only with others but with myself.  It’s not something that I have kept hidden, I am pretty open about it, my feeling has always been that if I could help someone I would share my experiences in the hopes of saving them.  I escaped but so many others don’t.

So, you can imagine how unsettled I was after reading  the thread on my Facebook status from earlier this weekend.  Friday night I was on my way home to change my clothes and get ready to go out with some friends for dinner and I got caught up in some traffic.  I was just about to cut through the parking lot of the 7-11 to by-pass the traffic and hop on my street when I notice the unforgivable!  Two cars involved in a minor fender bender were pulled over to the right side of the road, both cars had little damage to the car and the occupants of both cars, each of which were a Hispanic couple, were standing outside their respective cars when I noticed that the couple from the rear car were arguing.  I suspect that I know what the argument was about, I’ve been in that same argument a couple of times before myself, when the next thing I see is the man put his hands around the girls arms and give her a mighty shove backwards.

She stumbled a couple of steps and caught herself, I started to roll my window down to yell and the man (and I use that term loosely) when traffic started to move and I had to move with it.  I considered turning the corner and coming back around or pulling on my street and calling 911 but as I turned I could hear the sirens down the road so I didn’t worry too much about this girl, at least not so much right at that moment.

I did what millions of us do on a daily basis, I took to Facebook to vent my frustration out posting the following status:

“Two cars got into a fender bender down the street from my house and as I drove past I saw this guy push the girl who was in the car with him while they argued. I had to suppress my urge to pull over and knock some sense into both of them! What makes a guy think its ok to hit a woman?”

A couple of my friends showed their support with likes, my own brother irritated me a little with his comment about the guys doing it b/c they know they can get away with it until I remembered that he was right and that so many of us stay when we should be leaving.  Yet the comment that took me completely by surprise was a string of comments from an old high school acquaintance who I had been having a friendly “flirtationship” with as of late.  He completely caught me off guard with his string of comments.

Maybe he just didn’t know about my past, maybe that is just how he thinks but in either case it’s not a good situation for me to be in.

No person deserves to be hit (I have to remind myself this on a daily basis as there are countless numbers of stupid people who I would love to knock upside the head, but I digress) but especially a woman!  How anyone can think that its ok is beyond me!