Tag Archives: Facebook

The Facts of Life

31 Oct

Abraham Lincoln once said,

                “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”

This inevitable fact of life was driven home for me earlier this week.  I made the mistake of sharing a blog that I had just written and posted on my blog site for all the world to see on the Facebook feed of a Fat Acceptance group that I was a member of;  yet the crushing blow came not from a nameless, faceless internet troll but from a comrade in arms.  It was the deciding factor in a long and sometimes painful coming of age for me.

I will not rehash the aforementioned blog here (If you want to read it, here is the link to it) I will summarize by saying it involved a night out at a country-western dance club, my wonderful and too damn sexy for his own good boyfriend, me and several girls who made it known throughout the night that I was not good enough for him and that he should be with someone like them because, after all, they were beautiful and I was not.

Upon sharing this blog with my fellow fatties, believing that there would be camaraderie and sisterhood and all that other mumbo jumbo I promptly had a bucket of very cold water dumped on my head as I was informed by a member (and might I add moderator) of this group that I had just devalued my boyfriend by referring to him as a prize to be won.  I want to share with you the conversation that occurred between myself and her and various other members of this group so that you can make a call for yourself;

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Now, if this had been the first time something like this has happened in this group I could have turned the other cheek and rolled my eyes and said ok, whatever; but this was not the first time that something like this has happened and it made me really rethink my involvement in these kinds of groups.  The purpose behind me joining this group was to have a foundation of support in my fight against sizeism yet here I am defending myself and my point of view against someone with the same small mindedness as all the sheep out there just in reverse.  It was, needless to say, a giant slap in the face to come to the final conclusion that this was not a membership that wished to associate myself with any longer.  After all, 9 times out of 10, the members of this group came across as hard core, almost militant feminists so it should have come as no surprise to me that my more traditional, conservative point of views would clash and lead to battles like these, except this was the first time it had led to a battle like this.  In the past, at the slightest hint of conflict I would tuck tail and run not wanting to be the bad guy but this time I had a vested interest in the conflict, after all, it was my personal experience that was being disparaged.

So, since I recognized that I was fighting a losing battle by trying to defend myself in the ensuing comments and since I saw that my foe was the type of person who needed to have the ultimate last word, I made a conscious decision and just stopped.  I made a decision that it was pointless to argue with someone who refused to see the world past the end of their own nose and that any point that I tried to make was just going to be wasted on her.  I copied the comments and promptly deleted myself from this and other drama wrapped groups.

This was the day that I left the Fat Acceptance movement.  I realized that underneath the well meaning cause that these women had taken up was a underlying snarkiness that would never allow them to prevail in this cause because they were, for the most part, unable or unwilling to lay down their selfishness for the better good.  I still believe in everything that I believed in before this day, I just don’t believe in this particular sect of the movement any longer.

I understand now that, like me, most of these women grew up in a society that crapped on them and fed them lies to belittle them, to shove them into a corner, no make them go away.  Most of these women did not have a strong foundation of family and friends to support them in their self discovery and so, now, most of these women haven’t the first clue when it comes to what a healthy, functional relationship really is or how to sustain one once they have found it.  Most all of the women that I have come in contact with during my time in these groups have formed such a wall around themselves that they almost demand complete independence from any outside force, they feel that they are the captain and sole master of their destiny and I’m sorry, but nothing can function if you are unwilling to step back and be weak for just a moment and allow someone else to be strong for you.  Most of these women have convinced themselves that they do not need outside validation but how can that be when it is human nature to crave love and compassion and companionship?   These things go hand in hand with one another.  And while I will agree that “…external factors should not be the sole measure of one’s worth” I also believe that no man is an island and that without those external factors you can not be a completely whole person.

Not everyone that I encountered in these groups were bad, I have come away having met some pretty awesome people but, to quote a line from the prophet Madea,

“Only two places on this earth you’re gonna have peace, your grave and your house. Now if you wake up in your house and you’ve got no peace something is wrong. “

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When is enough enough?

16 Aug

orig. published 2/24/11

What constitutes invasion of privacy these days?  In Grapevine, Texas if you
apply for a job with the police department they will require that you hand over
the passwords to any and all social media sites that you follow for them to
check as they see fit.

My Facebook is set to friends only for most all settings but none of them are
set to public and as the settings evolve, I evolve with them.  I am cautious
with who i let onto my friends list because my Facebook is just that, MY
Facebook.  Its where I go to vent, to catch up with old and new friends and just
pass the time.  So who has the right to tell me that I have to ante up my
password or no job for me?  First it was drug tests, then credit checks now its
passwords; how much longer till its email passwords and DNA samples?

I realize that some may argue that someone’s Facebook is a picture to their
personality and judgement, however I disagree, I find that I censor quite a bit
of what actually makes it to my page.

“We need to have access to see if we have the right person for us,” said
GPD’s Lt. Todd Dearing.  There has to be a better way to weed out the bad
potential new hires without invading my privacy.  Its not a matter of trust,
what I do in my personal time, as long as it is within the guidelines of the
law, is no one’s business but my own.

So who draws the line at what is acceptable for an employer to ask?  When is
it too much for someone to require?

Does Adultry Just Happen?

16 Aug

orig. published 11/9/10

What makes someone cheat?
Something that I have wondered about for a very
long time, something that I have, in the past, and yes, even some now, blamed
myself for.  Was it something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do
that maybe I should have?  I still don’t know that any of the infidelities that
I have lived through weren’t entirely my fault as I must have contributed in
some small way to my partner cheating on me, but I still don’t know, what makes
someone cheat.
To me it is so simple, I love someone and I just couldn’t even
fathom doing anything to intentionally hurt them.  I used to believe that it
just happened, that you could be wrapped up in the moment and just forget, sort
of like the temporary insanity plea in a murder trial, when someone says that
they just saw red and the next thing they knew they were standing there with a
bloody knife in their hand.  I don’t believe that anymore, I guess maybe that
was my way of justifying the mistake made by someone that I loved, someone that
I wanted to be with, as a means of allowing myself to stay even though I knew
the truth deep down in my soul.
Tonight, in East Texas, there will be a story
on the evening news about how sites like Facebook and Myspace make cheating all
that much more alluring and accessible, but is that really so or does one have
to already be inclined toward looking in the first place?  I know that I have
reconnected with a couple of old flames via social networking sites and yet,
here I sit, a prime example that, if you don’t want to cheat, if you are
committed to making a relationship work then you won’t cheat.
No body cheats
because they just forget that they are in a relationship, this may come as a
shocker to most, but yes, I have cheated, only once in my life and believe me, I
was fully aware of what I was doing from the moment it started to the moment it
ended.  My justification was that, my significant other was already cheating on
me to being with and we were on the verge of breaking up anyways when I was
visiting with a friend/old lover and things happened, but the entire time I knew
what I was doing and I knew that it was wrong, that it made me no better of a
person than my cheating boyfriend.
So, you are on Facebook one day and you
run into that unrequited love from high school and you start talking, nothing
wrong with that, when it becomes wrong is when you get to that point that you
are hiding things from your partner, things that you know they would not like,
you justify it by saying that you are sparing your partners feelings but in
reality, you would be doing them so much more by just not letting it get to that
point.
People in happy, communicating, healthy relationships don’t cheat
because, plain and simple, their needs are being fulfilled at home, they have no
need to go out looking for what they are not getting at home.  But this only
works if you communicate your needs with your partner, if you just keep them
festering under the surface then you are setting yourself up for disaster and
you will be too far down the road before you even know it.
I was upset by the
ad I heard on the radio for the report tonight on the news, the soundbites,
which they probably played out of context to draw a larger audience, was
comprised of mostly women who were devastated that their spouse/SO had cheated
on them with someone they met on a social networking site.  Yes, even I have
been the victim of an infidelity via social networking but I didn’t blame the
site for his cheating, there were sites long before Facebook or Myspace came
along that enabled cheating spouses an outlet for their frustrations.  I placed
the blame right where it belonged, square on the shoulders of my fiance who, if
the truth be known, was already inclined to cheat in the first place, if it
hadn’t been with her it would have and was with someone else.
No one cheats
because they just forget, they were blinded by passion, we cheat because we
either have an unfulfilled need or are just naturally inclined to do so.  I
don’t necessarily believe in the theory of once a cheater always a cheater, but
as a general rule folks, if they cheated on you once, more than likely they will
cheat on you again.
Do I still blame myself for my failed relationships,
yeah, to some degree I probably always will.  There will always be a part of me
that wonders why I wasn’t enough, what I could have or should have done
differently, its the make up of who I am to wonder these things, but I know that
somewhere out there there is someone for everyone and I just have to be patient
until I am sure of who it is and I will never have to worry about that
again.