Tag Archives: relationships

The Facts of Life

31 Oct

Abraham Lincoln once said,

                “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”

This inevitable fact of life was driven home for me earlier this week.  I made the mistake of sharing a blog that I had just written and posted on my blog site for all the world to see on the Facebook feed of a Fat Acceptance group that I was a member of;  yet the crushing blow came not from a nameless, faceless internet troll but from a comrade in arms.  It was the deciding factor in a long and sometimes painful coming of age for me.

I will not rehash the aforementioned blog here (If you want to read it, here is the link to it) I will summarize by saying it involved a night out at a country-western dance club, my wonderful and too damn sexy for his own good boyfriend, me and several girls who made it known throughout the night that I was not good enough for him and that he should be with someone like them because, after all, they were beautiful and I was not.

Upon sharing this blog with my fellow fatties, believing that there would be camaraderie and sisterhood and all that other mumbo jumbo I promptly had a bucket of very cold water dumped on my head as I was informed by a member (and might I add moderator) of this group that I had just devalued my boyfriend by referring to him as a prize to be won.  I want to share with you the conversation that occurred between myself and her and various other members of this group so that you can make a call for yourself;

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Now, if this had been the first time something like this has happened in this group I could have turned the other cheek and rolled my eyes and said ok, whatever; but this was not the first time that something like this has happened and it made me really rethink my involvement in these kinds of groups.  The purpose behind me joining this group was to have a foundation of support in my fight against sizeism yet here I am defending myself and my point of view against someone with the same small mindedness as all the sheep out there just in reverse.  It was, needless to say, a giant slap in the face to come to the final conclusion that this was not a membership that wished to associate myself with any longer.  After all, 9 times out of 10, the members of this group came across as hard core, almost militant feminists so it should have come as no surprise to me that my more traditional, conservative point of views would clash and lead to battles like these, except this was the first time it had led to a battle like this.  In the past, at the slightest hint of conflict I would tuck tail and run not wanting to be the bad guy but this time I had a vested interest in the conflict, after all, it was my personal experience that was being disparaged.

So, since I recognized that I was fighting a losing battle by trying to defend myself in the ensuing comments and since I saw that my foe was the type of person who needed to have the ultimate last word, I made a conscious decision and just stopped.  I made a decision that it was pointless to argue with someone who refused to see the world past the end of their own nose and that any point that I tried to make was just going to be wasted on her.  I copied the comments and promptly deleted myself from this and other drama wrapped groups.

This was the day that I left the Fat Acceptance movement.  I realized that underneath the well meaning cause that these women had taken up was a underlying snarkiness that would never allow them to prevail in this cause because they were, for the most part, unable or unwilling to lay down their selfishness for the better good.  I still believe in everything that I believed in before this day, I just don’t believe in this particular sect of the movement any longer.

I understand now that, like me, most of these women grew up in a society that crapped on them and fed them lies to belittle them, to shove them into a corner, no make them go away.  Most of these women did not have a strong foundation of family and friends to support them in their self discovery and so, now, most of these women haven’t the first clue when it comes to what a healthy, functional relationship really is or how to sustain one once they have found it.  Most all of the women that I have come in contact with during my time in these groups have formed such a wall around themselves that they almost demand complete independence from any outside force, they feel that they are the captain and sole master of their destiny and I’m sorry, but nothing can function if you are unwilling to step back and be weak for just a moment and allow someone else to be strong for you.  Most of these women have convinced themselves that they do not need outside validation but how can that be when it is human nature to crave love and compassion and companionship?   These things go hand in hand with one another.  And while I will agree that “…external factors should not be the sole measure of one’s worth” I also believe that no man is an island and that without those external factors you can not be a completely whole person.

Not everyone that I encountered in these groups were bad, I have come away having met some pretty awesome people but, to quote a line from the prophet Madea,

“Only two places on this earth you’re gonna have peace, your grave and your house. Now if you wake up in your house and you’ve got no peace something is wrong. “

Dear Lord: I Will Praise You In This Storm

15 Nov

Dear Lord,
I heard a song today that touched me. I’ve heard this song probably a thousand times, I think I actually have it on CD or something but, today, it spoke to me.  Specifically, one section of verse that really reached out to me;
“No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm”
Something in my head?  Or was it my heart?  It clicked and I remembered that although I may not have the intimate, romantic relationship that I seek on this earth that I am not alone.  There is someone who loves me no matter how badly I screw up, no matter how lost I may be at whatever moment I am in the day.  There is someone who has never left my side, who has always been there and has carried me more often than not.  There is someone who loves me and cherishes me so much that he knows every tear that I have cried, he knows every hair on my head, he knows every thought in my mind, all the good and bad.  There is someone who would be forever sad if I had ever actually succeeded in any of the thousand ways that I have tried to hurt myself over the years.
I may not have someone in my life that can wrap their arms around me and hold me close, I may not have someone in my life to kiss me and whisper sweet words in my ear but I have someone who loves me infinitely more than any lover ever could.  Lord you of all people know how hard it is and how lonely I have been but I am forever thankful that you are there to catch those tears and are never more than just a prayer away.
Though my heart is torn…I will praise you in this storm.

Trust

4 Oct

The funny thing is that I KNOW that I am a catch.

Odd isn’t it for someone with such low self esteem, only, I don’t really have a low self esteem.  In my estimation I am pretty cool, a pretty even combination of country and city, dork and “it” girl, soft and strong and I think that any guy would be very lucky to have me by his side.

Believe me, they aren’t hollow words, with very rare exception (and everyone has that rare exception) I feel this way pretty consistantly.  Its been a fairly new confidence b/c believe me, I didn’t always see myself through these eyes.

So what’s the problem?

I’m not really sure.  There is a part of me that is beyond ready to move on and ready to start over and while I am content with how things have progressed in my life in the last year especially there is still something holding me back.

There is a fear.  Its the only way I can describe it really.  An unwillingness to allow myself to feel that way again.  Its like when you are a kid and your mom tells you not to touch something because its hot but you do it anyways.  Some of us learn that first time and we don’t touch it again.  Some of us don’t listen, maybe we are slow, and the next time our mom tells us not to touch because its hot we sill touch it.  Its the ultimate in insanity, always doing the same thing but yet expecting different results.

I’ve stayed stagnant for so long because I wasn’t sure I could trust myself again not to touch the hot pan but maybe its time to look past that.  Only, I’m not so sure how to overcome the crippling fear and trust myself again.

Someone once said,

“The key is to get to know people and
trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them
to be- and when they’re not, we cry.”

Retrospection is a funny bird sometimes.  When I look back I realize that I have been guilty of this very faux pas.  I’ve always had a very trusting nature but in all honesty I don’t know that I ever truly got to know very many people before completely allowing them to hold that honored spot in my heart.  I short changed myself and never even realized it.

So, I think it’s time to start anew, like Bella said in Eclipse (I told you I was the perfect combination of dork)


“I’ve chosen my life –

now I want to start living it.”

Survivor

29 Aug

I know there are a lot of people, friends included, who do not know about my painful past, the abusive relationships, not only with others but with myself.  It’s not something that I have kept hidden, I am pretty open about it, my feeling has always been that if I could help someone I would share my experiences in the hopes of saving them.  I escaped but so many others don’t.

So, you can imagine how unsettled I was after reading  the thread on my Facebook status from earlier this weekend.  Friday night I was on my way home to change my clothes and get ready to go out with some friends for dinner and I got caught up in some traffic.  I was just about to cut through the parking lot of the 7-11 to by-pass the traffic and hop on my street when I notice the unforgivable!  Two cars involved in a minor fender bender were pulled over to the right side of the road, both cars had little damage to the car and the occupants of both cars, each of which were a Hispanic couple, were standing outside their respective cars when I noticed that the couple from the rear car were arguing.  I suspect that I know what the argument was about, I’ve been in that same argument a couple of times before myself, when the next thing I see is the man put his hands around the girls arms and give her a mighty shove backwards.

She stumbled a couple of steps and caught herself, I started to roll my window down to yell and the man (and I use that term loosely) when traffic started to move and I had to move with it.  I considered turning the corner and coming back around or pulling on my street and calling 911 but as I turned I could hear the sirens down the road so I didn’t worry too much about this girl, at least not so much right at that moment.

I did what millions of us do on a daily basis, I took to Facebook to vent my frustration out posting the following status:

“Two cars got into a fender bender down the street from my house and as I drove past I saw this guy push the girl who was in the car with him while they argued. I had to suppress my urge to pull over and knock some sense into both of them! What makes a guy think its ok to hit a woman?”

A couple of my friends showed their support with likes, my own brother irritated me a little with his comment about the guys doing it b/c they know they can get away with it until I remembered that he was right and that so many of us stay when we should be leaving.  Yet the comment that took me completely by surprise was a string of comments from an old high school acquaintance who I had been having a friendly “flirtationship” with as of late.  He completely caught me off guard with his string of comments.

Maybe he just didn’t know about my past, maybe that is just how he thinks but in either case it’s not a good situation for me to be in.

No person deserves to be hit (I have to remind myself this on a daily basis as there are countless numbers of stupid people who I would love to knock upside the head, but I digress) but especially a woman!  How anyone can think that its ok is beyond me!

 

 

There is no Rewind Button in Life

16 Aug

orig. published 7/7/11

Are we so disenchanted with the ever after notion of marriage that we are
willing to write it off completely?  A new article on HuffingtonPost.com seems
to think so, according to Dr. Neil Clark Warren, an increasing number of
Americans are leaning toward the notion that institute of marriage is becoming
obsolete.  Take a look around you and you may tend to agree with him, after all
in the last decade the number of unmarried couples choosing cohabitation as an
option has increased more than 25% and 45% to 50% of marriages end in divorce
with the number only rising with each marriage.  With such staggering data to
choose from it makes you wonder why the GLBT community is fighting so hard for
the right to marry when they too are surely doomed to the same fate.

I suspect that the problem lies in the definition of what a marriage really
is.  I saw so many of my classmates graduate high school and jump into marriage
with unreasonable expectations only to end up living in a miserable situation or
eventually divorcing.  I realize you may be wondering what a single girl knows
about what makes a successful marriage and while I have never been married I
have learned quite a bit from trial and error and just simply by watching the
best example a person can have for what makes a lasting marriage, my parents,
whose 50th wedding anniversary is coming up this next year.

1.    Practice Common Sense: Chances are that that
person that you thought you just couldn’t live without in high school is not the
one.  I know it sounds cliche and when I was younger I refused to believe when
people told me that I was too young to really understand what love was but as I
grew older I realized that I really didn’t.  By the grace of God I dodged so
many bullets but I know where I could be right now.  physical appearance,
similar tastes those things are not what make a marriage last, sure similar
taste will give you something to talk about but if you don’t
RESPECT each other then you will never want to talk to each
other.  Just a reminder, respect means to show consideration for someone, you
may have 100 things in common but if you can’t respect that person for the 1000
things you don’t have in common then you probably shouldn’t be getting
married.

2.    Patience is a Virtue:  No matter what you may
think, there is no rush, take your time.  I am a huge proponent of living with
someone before you get married, you never really know someone until you have
lived with them for at least a year.  This is when you will find out about each
others quirks and if you can’t find a way to deal with those quirks or to
compromise somehow on them during that first year or so living together what
really makes you think that you will feel any different 10 years down the
road.  Just remember, those little things that you thought were cute in the
beginning usually end up being what drives a wedge between you in the end.

3.    Marriage Does Not Equal Happy:  The fact is
you will have good and bad days but its how you handle the bad days that will
determine how good those good days will be.  Just because you believe in fairy
tales does not mean that they exist, marriage, or any relationship for that
matter, is hard work and it takes that hard work from both people and if both of
you are not 100% willing to do the work then you are not 100% ready to be
married just yet.

4.    Two Heads Are Better Than One:  Now, do not
misinterpret what I am about to say as I know many probably will but a marriage
consists of TWO people but BOTH of those people CAN NOT be the head of house,
one of you will have to take the lead.  I was raised in a very devout Christian
home and my parents taught me that Christ was the head of man, man was the head
of woman and God was the head of Christ.  Now, however this works out for you
someone has to be the head, BUT if the person who is the head of the house is
right (with God) then not only will they consult with God then they will also
consult with their partner to come to the best decision for all involved.
Whether or not you like it I have seen it in action and it works and believe me,
if you are with someone who respects you then you will never have anything to
worry about.

5.    Support Your Spouse:  This ties into number
4, support your partner in their decisions, you may not always like them and you
don’t have to but you put in your two cents and your partner makes the best
decision they can with the information that they have available.  Now, what I am
not saying is this, for example, I had a partner one time who was a wrestling
fanatic and would spend our money on gear for him to wrestle in, this included
money for bills.  I did not support his choice because that was his immaturity
showing through.  However, if your love is offered a job in another city, a far
off city, and the two of you have discussed the pros and cons of the decision,
whatever his choice is, support him in it.  It may turn out to have been the
wrong choice, but it happens and you will make the best of the situation.

This was the way that my mom explained it to me many, many years ago, if you
fall in love with a man, ask yourself the following, is he a Godly man, when
faced with a problem how does he handle it?  If he consults with you for your
input and then prays about it to the Lord you are indeed a blessed woman.  Is he
a hard worker, will he do what is necessary to provide for his family or will he
squander away your work on useless things?  Does he respect you, will he turn to
you for advice when he is troubled, will he turn to you for comfort when he is
in pain, will he share with you his joys and triumphs, will he be honest with
you in all areas of your life together?  If you can answer yes to ALL of those
then you are a lucky woman.

I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly when it comes to relationships, it
comes down to this, if you are not able to honestly and openly listen to your
gut then be prepared to make huge mistakes and be even more prepared to clean up
the mess when it all come tumbling down around you.  Marriage is a contract, a
union, that is not to be entered into lightly, as my Daddy would say, “measure
twice, cut once.”

Enlightenment

16 Aug

orig. published 5/30/11

I’d
like to pose this question to everyone out there but especially the guys
online.

Last
night I posted an online dating ad on craigslist.  Now, granted, I realize that
its craigslist but you never know.  I didn’t really think that I would find
anyone serious online but I figured a date or two couldn’t hurt.  I started my
ad with the following line,

“I am a beautiful, sweet, caring, passionate,
opinionated 31 year old woman”

Now, I have
been on craigslist before so I am not new to this game and I got several
responses, most of them nice.  But there were two guys who went out of their way
to be an ass.  I’ll quote:

“I don’t think your beautiful at
all…. take that word out”

“YOUR WEAKNESS IS PIES CAKES &
TWINKIES YOU’LL EAT AND
FUCK ANYTHING THAT SAY YES.  YEAH I’M A
DICK BUT
I AM NOT WRING AM I ?”

Now, everyone is a
entitled to an opinion and I can’t blame someone for feeling the way that they
do, hell, there are guys online that I see and think ‘you are not attractive’
but I never feel the need to respond to them and say as
such.

So, here is my question, why go to the trouble?  Why
respond and tell someone that they you don’t think they are beautiful, why take
the time to attempt to degrade someone?  What do you get out of it?  Its not
going to get all the fat girls off of the face of the earth and certainly not
off of the dating sites so why do it?

**Oh…btw, I didn’t misspell wrong, that was a copy and
paste from the actual email, hey, I didn’t say they were smart assholes,
lol**

What Did She Just Say?!?!

16 Aug

orig. published 5/19/2011

Over the last couple of days the media has been all over this Arnold
Schwarzenegger “love child” debacle.  I admit it makes for interesting gossip
and television but it does serve it irritate me on at least one point, why does
everyone have to call this child a “love child”?  A love child implies that
there was love there and somehow I am highly suspect of this idea.  A love child
is consumed out of the love of two people, hardly it seems the case of this
little boy, or for that matter it would seem his own son with Maria Schriver
seeing how as the two boys were born within days if it as the case may be.

But maybe I am wrong, I’m sure that that he loves both children, they are
afterall his sons, still there is something about this term love child that just
seems to rub me the wrong way, I guess it just brings back memories of the pain
and betrayal of a partners infidelities.  I just can’t seem to get a grasp on
why anyone could hurt someone in such an intimate and shattering way.

A friend the other day posed this question to me, is it better to live in a
situation that doesn’t meet your needs than to be happy?  I admit that it was a
slightly touchy situation, I had just finished watching a news article about,
what else, Arnold and Maria, and the local station interviewed a marriage
counselor who basically said that anytime a partner cheats that both parties
should look to themselves for the answers.

If you know me and my story then you can imagine the steam that was blowing
out of my ears at that moment, I even rewatched it later to make sure that I had
heard her correctly.  How dare she say that, this broad generalized statement
without any notation of an the “always an exception to the rule” rule; after all
I was that exception to the rule.  I looked to myself for answers, I searched
and pleaded and wept trying to find the answers, answers that I may never find.
Its been a year and a half since the last time he broke my heart; broke my heart
was an understatement really, there are days that are still hard, days that I
still wonder what I could have done to make everything turn out different, even
though deep down inside I know that there was nothing I could have done to
change what was going to happen.

It just stirs that emotion all over again, that pain and anger and
frustration and now the indignation that someone would suggest that I could have
done something that would have changed the out come of those four tumultuous
years.  I may never know why someone cheats, why their partner just doesn’t seem
to be enough, why some people are just so stubborn to work out the problem and
ultimately why they seem to be unable to find the compassion to spare the soul
of their supposed loved one.

Incidentally, the answer to my friends question was that no, it is not better
to live in a situation that doesn’t meet your needs rather then being happy.
The moral of this story kiddos is that while it your relationship may not be
meeting your needs, your infidelity will never meet the needs of your partner.
Spare them the months of agony that come with that kind of betrayal, if ever you
loved the other person you could at least do that.